| The Power of US: The Marriage Cure |
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| Written by Miles Wagman, MSW, LCSW, LMFT | |||
| Tuesday, 18 November 2008 17:03 | |||
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It has been said that marriage doesn't make you happy, it makes you married. But now we know that a healthy relationship can make you healthy as well. It's been documented that married individuals earn more money, live longer, and have a lower incidence of alcohol and drug abuse. On top of that, children who grow up in a family with two parents are shown to excel academically and have fewer behavioral problems. Marriage can even have a positive effect on those who suffer from serious illness. It has been said that marriage doesn't make you happy, it makes you married. But now we know that a healthy relationship can make you healthy as well. It's been documented that married individuals earn more money, live longer, and have a lower incidence of alcohol and drug abuse. On top of that, children who grow up in a family with two parents are shown to excel academically and have fewer behavioral problems. Marriage can even have a positive effect on those who suffer from serious illness.Specifically, let's look at how relationships affect cancer patients. The stress that confronts couples being treated for cancer comes from all directions. There is no easy role in any marriage, whether you are the patient or the spouse. When the diagnosis of cancer is confirmed, the patient begins an emotional roller coaster ride forcing them to face their own mortality while coping with all of the painful realities of treatment and recovery. But the effects on the marriage and the family are also dramatic. Couples who are distant and emotionally disconnected before the diagnosis often struggle to adapt in a positive way to the new realities of their relationship. They may withdraw emotionally and begin to criticize each others emotional style. Women who are battling cancer do not want their spouse to be in charge, but for him to understand her feelings and talk about his own. As for men, they want to fix their wife's cancer and so she's well again. This is often perceived by the wife as callous and unsupportive. The results of two major research studies were recently reported that demonstrate how relationships can be helpful in dealing with all of this. Researchers at Ohio State University, after studying the relationships of 100 breast cancer patients over a five year period, reported that patients who have a poor relationship with their spouse may face a more difficult road to recovery than women in good relationships. Compared to patients in healthy marriages, patients in distressed marriages were found to have had a higher level of stress, engaged in less physical activity, had a slower recovery, and showed more symptoms and signs of illness. Previous research has been focused on determining how a cancer diagnosis affected the quality of their marital relationship, but this is the first study to look at how the quality of the marital relationship affects long-term recovery from cancer. It is not only women who experience an easier recovery from cancer. It seems that a satisfying marriage works for men undergoing treatment for prostate cancer. A study conducted at UCLA revealed that married men suffering from prostate cancer have "significantly improved quality of life" over their single counterparts when facing the rigors of treatment and recovery. Married patients were said to experience an improved sense of "spiritual well-being," fewer adverse effects from treatment, and less anxiety about the disease. I'd love to be able to say that "love cures all" but of course that's not the case. It's clear, though, that there is indeed a "Marriage Cure." It might not cure an illness like cancer, but it can cure the stresses surrounding it. The Marriage Cure Exposed I recently heard about a couple who I'll call Jenny and Todd. Jenny felt that Todd had come into her life at a critical moment. They began to date when she was in the middle of a five-year battle with breast cancer. Todd did not know Jenny when she first started chemotherapy and had an ever-present feeling of anxiety. But she had talked often about the people who helped her through that dark period, especially her oncologist, Dr. Edward Collins. Dr. Collins was with her when she was diagnosed, when she had a 21-pound tumor removed from her stomach, and when she found out she was finally cancer free. When Todd was ready to propose to Jenny, he knew exactly how he was going to pop the question. He blindfolded her, drove her to Dr. Collins' office, and, in the waiting room, got down on one knee and said, "Five years ago, this is the place where your life changed forever, and now I want to change it again for the better. Will you marry me?" This is a couple who will fight Jenny's cancer together and improve her chance of survival. They are beginning their marriage with the right strategy--with a sense of optimism and determination. But it won't be easy. As I mentioned earlier, couples with cancer face a multitude of challenges. Just a few of them include: making informed decisions about treatment; dealing with the painful realities of treatment, which can often be debilitating or disfiguring; and adapting to the shifting roles in the marriage (namely, caregiver and patient). My advice to Jenny and Todd--and other couples like them--would be for them to figure out a way to negotiate these difficult challenges as they continue to work and raise their family. Here are four critical elements necessary to make your marriage work instead of becoming an additional source of stress as you fight to get healthy. 1. Connection, as always, is the key. Several studies of women with breast cancer have revealed that the woman's impression of her husband's emotional involvement after surgery is the most important predictor of marital satisfaction. While men might have the tendency to want to "fix" the problem, women look for their husband to give up control and support them through the diagnosis and treatment by making it safe to express their fears and concerns. This level of intimacy provides a sense of security enabling the couple to become more powerful as they join forces in their fight against the disease. 2. Sex is a priority. Couples often find that when they attempt to reestablish their sexual relationship there is a tendency to protect one another and not openly discuss their fears and concerns. Doctors may suggest to men that they should allow their wife to take the lead in initiating sex for the first time following surgery. Unfortunately, most women need their husband to make the first move and feel rejected if he doesn't. This is where that honest discussion comes back into play. Couples should work together to make their first sexual experiences satisfying. Men who are comfortable initiating sex in a loving and supportive manner help to make their wives feel more secure with their changing sexuality. Women who feel that their husband is turned off by the changes in their bodies have a much more difficult time feeling sexual again. 3. Communication is critical. The emotional and sexual connections that are essential to maintaining a satisfying marriage will not happen if communication is not open and honest. Censoring your conversations to protect your spouse is not protective. Couples who protect their relationship put as much priority on how they communicate their thoughts to each other as to the content of those thoughts. Being able to say anything to each other in a safe and secure environment knowing that your thoughts and feelings will be heard and respected is the basis of an intimate relationship. 4. Laughter is still powerful medicine. Couples who make each other laugh feel more satisfied in their relationship whether or not things are going well. Being able to laugh despite the fears and the pain inherent in dealing with serious illness contributes an invaluable element that increases our ability to heal. m
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| Last Updated on Tuesday, 02 June 2009 17:25 |
